You'll See: THREE

After two years of making movies for New Year's, Matt decides he is too mature to sing and frolic with Nate and Donnie. Devastated, the two attempt to make this year's movie without him... with HILARIOUS results. Will their attempts at movie making be successful? Will Matt ever sing or frolic again? You'll see...

Classic Video: Gweepay and the MPRE

Our Own Brotherhood, So Carefree and Good

The University of Michigan Men's Glee Club came into town this weekend to sing at the National Cathedral and at a national choral convention. Afterward, I got to hang out with several old friends who used to sing with me in Club, and several new friends who are the current generation of extraordinary glee clubbers.

On Friday night, we all went out to Cactus Cantina and relived one of my favorite traditions from college -- drunken sing-alongs with my brothers in song! Together, glee clubbers new and old raised our voices in song, and the result was a night to remember for years to come.

Here is a video of us all singing the Yellow and Blue. For lots more videos, click here!



On Saturday night, I got to know the incoming president of the Men's Glee Club, one of the current Friars, and several other talented young men. I am proud to say that the Glee Club is in good hands. I am also proud to say that, despite my relative old age and 50 extra pounds of body fat compared to the current younguns', I was able to trounce each of my challengers in Dance Dance Revolution, ending the night as the undisputed champion of the game, with something like a 10-0 record. Hail to the Victor, indeed!

Glitter & Glam: TMSS

Join our heroes on a yearlong journey to find the true meaning of glitter and glam...

An Open Letter to BenKepple.com

Mr. Kepple,

As you may know, we at BeforeISleep.net are great fans of your online property, "Benjamin Kepple's Daily Rant." In fact, your property has been an inspiration, encouraging us to post even more frequently than we otherwise are inclined to. Since you have been such an inspiration, we feel that we can no longer simply sit back and observe while your heretofore fine blog continues its long and maddening technological decline.

We speak, dear friend, of your continuing lack of comments. You posted on this topic a while back, essentially throwing your hands up, saying there is nothing you could do because you don't know how to fix the comment feature. And so incredibly worthy topics, such as the recent discovery of a brain-eating amoeba waging war against our nation's swimmers, go UNCOMMENTED. As loyal BeforeISleep.net readers know, often the Comments section are as entertaining as the original post itself, and I'm sure that loyal Rant readers would relish the opportunity to wax at length on the comparative dangers of the futuristic brain-eating amoeba against the unspeakably horrid Guinea Worm (video here - jump to 7:15).

Comments also increase the popularity of one's online property. First, the ability to "leave a comment" engages readers in a way unaccomplishable by simply lurking in the shadows. Right now, the only way Kepple readers can comment on your blog entries is by e-mailing other random Kepple readers, or by posting a response on one's own blog -- both solutions are less-than-optimal. Second, when a casual visitor to BenKepple.com scans the entries, he will see that NONE of them has ANY COMMENTS. The constant "0 comments" gives casual visitors a very negative impression of the popularity of your site, and they will simply move on, reasoning that, if no one else listens to you, why should he?

To that end, we propose a solution. We, the proprietors of BeforeISleep.net, hereby offer to FIX YOUR GODDAMN COMMENTS. We are sure it is not as hard as you are making it out to be. We will, of course, require confidential details to your site (i.e. user name and password), and you of course are free to change the password just after we fix the problem, so that you need not worry about us having access to your site in perpetuity. We encourage you to contact us at your earliest convenience, while bearing in mind that this is a limited-time offer.

We look forward to hearing from you, so that your loyal readers will once again be able to engage in the time-honored tradition of Internet comments, as demonstrated in this lovely video (of which you are already familiar):



Cordially,
BeforeISleep.net

Kal and I Discuss Animals and Pickups

Good friend Kal Man [Last Name Removed for Googleproofing Purposes] recently purchased a MacBook, and now has a spiffy little video camera staring at him all the time. I have an iSight camera wedged in between my two flat panel monitors. So tonight Kal and I decided to join our respective web cams together in a little experiment I like to call, "PICTURE TALKING THROUGH THE CYBER NETS!"

At Kal's insistence, I am posting this decidedly amusing footage for all to see. Join us as we introduce our pets, in what is almost certain one of the first Parrot-Cat Picture Talks ever recorded. Join us as I demonstrate my tried-and-true pickup techniques in an attempt to woo Kal over. And join us as ONE OF US gets nekkid. After all, that's what you do with web cams on the Internet.

Yeah, baby.

The Jesus Magic Finger Trick

As seen on Family Guy. Recreated by Gweepay.

Video Explosion!

And so I return from another eventful week in Michigan, where I spent the days hanging out with family and friends, and teaching everyone how to use a Segway (except my dad, who was positive he would break his neck on the thing). Needless to say, Much Video Was Taken. But it's not edited together yet.

SO, while I am editing it, I would like to amuse you all by showing you BEFOREISLEEP.NET: THE LOST VIDEOS! Yes, my dear viewer, over the years, some highly entertaining videos have been left off the site, due mostly to my own laziness, or more likely my lack of a high-speed Internet connection at the time. Luckily, my laziness quotient is currently somewhat low, and my Internet connection is smoking. That adds up to: lots of videos! And remember: If you haven't seen it, it's New to You.

Please enjoy.

Classic Video: Rare Gweep Sighting!

Spotted in the wild -- one large red-bellied Gweep conure.

I know this video is bizarre, but I simply couldn't pass up the opportunity to humiliate a friend on YouTube. Gweepay was all in favor of it -- he's a jolly chap -- but in the future, Dave, I'd recommend you don't show the world your boxer shorts.

It's time for........ Musical Voice Mail!

My Fraternity

Michigan Review Editors-in-Chief, originally uploaded by CaseWriter21.

Tonight the Collegiate Network (CN), which funds hundreds of conservative student newspapers across college campuses nationwide, held a cocktail reception for all its members and alumni in DC. My alma mater, The Michigan Review, had a strong presence, with several current members and former editors present. Pictured are five editors-in-chief running a 17 year span. Incredible to get us all together! (Note that as the years progress, the human race seems to grow smaller. By 2032, the average editor-in-chief is expected to be 3'6" tall. I believe this is all part of Evolution's master plan.)

During college, I spent most of my free time in Suite One, the home of the Michigan Review. From 40-hour Production Weekends, to those evenings I was there so late that I decided just to sleep in the office, the Review was my college experience. When I think back on college, the clearest images in my mind are moments from the Review. Being awake at 3 a.m., editing the latest issue in a campus computing lab with my best friends. Sitting around in Suite One, working on our new hand-me-down computers while Sinatra plays in the background. C.J. cracking jokes. Driving the finished paper to our publisher in Howell, MI, at 6 a.m. on no sleep... and returning a few days later to pick up 5,000 finished copies. To this day, my best friends are drawn from those kindred spirits I met in Suite One almost 10 years ago.

Ah, the Michigan Review. It stole my youth and killed my GPA... and I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.

Musical Voice Mail

I am a musical person, and I have musical friends. I'm not sure in which direction the causality points -- if musical friends flock to me because I am a musical person, or if I am a musical person because I have surrounded myself with musical friends -- but either way, it leads to fairly entertaining voice mails. Sometimes I can make them out, sometimes I can't, but they're always a nice little surprise.

With that, I would like to start a new "occasional feature" here at B-i-S: Entertaining Voice Mails! I will post these as I receive them, and maybe I'll even go into my archives to find some oldies-but-goodies. Here's one from Fun DM3.

And remember: If YOU want to be featured on B-i-S, just give me a call!

A Tale of Speed Dating: Second Time's a Charm!

Good day everyone! Welcome to another installment of "Hurry Dating on U Street!" Last year, the subtitle was "OR: Hurry Up and Get Me Outta Here!" -- but this year, things were a bit different.

That they were, Gweepay, that they were. Whereas last year we had to deal with several incredibly unattractive women, and one who may or may not have been the Biggest Witch of All Time, this year... well, I can't think of a single girl who would take the new crown as Bitchy McBitchBitch. They were generally pretty pleasant, with a couple definite winners in the bunch.

Gweepay: The girls this year were, in the aggregate, highly preferable to the motley crew whose presence we graced at the last event. First, the median level of physical attractiveness was much higher at this event than the last. Of 13 girls, I would say that I found all but 2 fairly attractive, and even the two that I didn't find attractive had great personalities. There were no Bitchy McBitchBitches at this event. You won't get to hear me utter my catch phrase, "what a bitch!" on this post. It was just that good.

Matt: That it was, Gweepay, that it was. But I'll bet I can make you utter your catch phrase yet!

Gweepay: Ho ho, go ahead and try! But why don't we get started. Let's go through the girls one at a time. When we were first asked to take a seat, I decided to sit as far away from Matt the Red and the Tough Talkin' Texan as possible. That's not because I didn't want them to hear my game. As everyone knows, I don't have any game. It was largely because girls would get freaked out by meeting three lawyers in a row, two from Michigan, two who went to Georgetown Law, and at least two who had many of the same jokes. I headed to the far left side of the room and sat across from this Indian girl, Virpal.

Matt: Dave, is that pronounced like "Purple"?

Gweepay: No, Matt, I believe it rhymes with "Beer Call." Anyway, because it took a few minutes for the event to start, I was able to converse with Virpal for a far longer period than the 4.5 minutes typically allotted for each girl. My experience with her was very positive. Since I was the first one that she talked to, she had tons of stuff to talk about, and I found her charming, pleasant, and generally the type of girl I like, complete with a love for banter and sufficiently assertive without being bitchy. I checked yes for Beer Call. Er, Virpal.

The next girl I remember talking to was a cute Asian girl. Yes, yes, Young Shin. She was very much an Asian girl... and I don't mean that as a pejorative! She seemed upbeat, fun, cute, and playful. I can't remember a thing we talked about, but I did get a good impression.

Now, the guy directly in front of me was a real piece of work. Every time the moderator blew the whistle, we were all supposed to end our conversations, get up, and move on to the next table. Well, this guy took his sweet old time, trying to make sure he got a few seconds of post-whistle conversation in with each girl. This meant that I had to stand over the table and wait for him to move. This also meant that I got to hear what he was saying. As he got up from one table, I heard him tell the girl at the table that he was an archeologist/oceanographer. Then, I sat down across from her. This girl reminded me of Matt's ex-flame, Sweetie. She was a stately brunette dressed in a very dignified manner. She was from the south. She was very sweet. Anyway, we started chatting and naturally she asked me what I do. I replied, "Oh, I'm an archeologist/oceanographer."

• "Really?!" she said as she looked at me in shock.
• "No, I'm just playing. I just heard that guy," I said. She laughed and laughed and laughed. She had a great laugh.
  

Matt: That she did, Dave, that she did. There's nothing better than a great laugh. Her name was Amanda, which is a pretty good name, despite the fact that it has the word "Man" in it. That kind of gives me pause. You may remember that when we saw her before the event, I mentioned that it looked like she was wearing a wig... she was all dressed up and looked kind of like one of Jennifer Garner's spy characters on Alias!

Dave: Yes, I do recall you mentioning that! You two seemed to get along well... Tell us, Matt, was it a wig?

Matt: Funny you should ask. During our HurryDate, I specifically questioned whether her hair was real, or whether it was a wig! She feigned shock and told me it was real. But I wasn't convinced, so I actually reached over the table and tugged on it! Admittedly, it wasn't the most gentlemanly thing to do, but she was my final HurryDate, and by this point in the night, I had already consumed a very well done Long Island in addition to those three Yuenglings, so my impulse control was not exactly operating at peak efficiency. Anyway, her hair was on there pretty good and tight, so I'm assuming it was real. Now, by this point, I had established a rapport with her, and negged her as recommended in The Game. My four minutes were almost up, and so it was time to use my Gold Material.

Gweepay: The wig thing wasn't your Gold?

Matt: No! That was just a way for me to A) be memorable, and B) physically break the plane, so to speak, that was separating me from the end zone. So, as all BeforeISleep visitors know, I purchased a Segway a couple weeks ago, and it's awesome. Just passed 100 miles. So I ask Amanda if she knows what a Segway is. She perks up and says of course. So I say, "If you circle Yes to Number 27....... you get to ride a Segway." She laughed and laughed! "Do you say that to all the girls?" she asked. I nodded and smiled mischievously. Ah, that sweet laugh.

Gweepay: Wow, sounds like you won't forget her anytime soon. Now, the girls I definitely won't forget were a group of three sexy chicas who were apparently in attendance only for purposes of general amusement. One conversation went something like this:

• Girl: So, this your first time?
• Me: Nah, I've done one of these before.
• Girl: Oh. Get you laid?
• Me: What?
• Girl: Did the last event get you laid?
• Me: Heh. I wish.
• Girl: I mean, that's why people come here.
• Me: You're telling me.G
• Girl: What's your favorite position?
• Me: Sexual?
• Girl: Is there any other?
• Me: The bottom.
• Girl: Really? Why?
• Me: The top is too much work.
• Girl: Hahahahahaha. That's horrible!
• Me: So are you gonna mark me down?
• Girl: I told you, I'm leaving town. I'm not marking anybody down.
• Me: Come on, just mark me down and we'll do some of those things we talked about.
• Girl: Hahahahahahahahahaha!
  

The last girl I spoke with is the Girl Who No One Remembers. Neither Matt the Red nor Tough Talkin' Texan remember anything about her. Her name is Jodie, and she was very shy. She is a major introvert, or an "I" to the Myers-Briggs groupies, and she told me that she was exhausted having to talk to so many people. I can relate, I'm a pretty solid "I" myself, but I doubt she'll get many matches. Especially since I had to explain to her that she had to go home and enter her choices into the system in order to even, you know, receive a single mutual match. But she was still cute. And I still checked yes.

Matt: Yeah, I remember her now. She was very cute, but very quiet. I think I circled Yes, but only because if I don't remember someone, that means they weren't HORRIBLE. So I give them the benefit of the doubt. Actually, I think I circled yes for 12 out of 13.

Gweepay: I checked yes to 10 of 13 girls. Two of the three I didn't select I just wasn't attracted to, and the third got off on the wrong foot with me. I told her I found it interesting that she was from the Bahamas, and she got all defensive and asked me why it was so interesting. Perhaps I just touched a nerve, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

Matt: Wow, what a bitch.

Gweepay: I know, what a -- ooooh, you almost got me!

Lauriol Plaza 2007: The Video!

As promised, here for All to Enjoy is the video of last week's Lauriol Plaza adventure starring Ben, Lee, Dave, Elizabeth and me. It's a nice 27 minute video, and I encourage you to sit down and enjoy your lunch or dinner as you watch it. That way, you can pretend you were at Lauriol with us!

Topics of conversation include:

• What we're up to! (Boring job stuff!)
• One- and ten-year predictions! (Lee will have six children!)
• Who's BlackBerry is better! (Mine!)
• Whether it is possible to perform a passable karaoke version of Hotel California without any real-time musical accompaniment at all! (Indeed it is! But only if the person who starts the song has an impeccable memory of the proper starting pitch. Which she does!)
• And so on!
  

Enjoy, but keep your expectations low for the best experience. And if you're interested, here are some links to products mentioned in the video. Highly recommended:

• Who Controls the Internet? by Jack Goldsmith and Tim Wu
• The Game by Neil Strauss
  
• Land of Lincoln by Andrew Ferguson

Enjoy! And if you're curious, here's last year's video:



Don't forget to comment!

Then & Now

Friends Lee, Ben and Dave (Gweepay) and I met up a couple nights ago, as part of Ben's annual "Last of the Petty Cash Tour." Per usual, we went to Lauriol Plaza, one of the most hopping, fun and trendy gathering places in allll of the Dupont Circle area. Also per usual, their delicious margaritas weren't nearly strong enough. After three margaritas, there was still not a buzz to be seen -- despite the fact that I had eaten very little that day. Alas.

But all in all, it was great fun, and The Artist Formerly Known as Sweetie even made it down for a visit. Stay tuned -- there will be video!

EDIT, May 27, 2007: Video is up!

You'll See...

* * * UPDATE, 1/13/07 * * * New director's cut posted -- be sure to watch to the very end

For weeks upon weeks, hours upon hours, our standard response to the question, "What are you wearing to the New Year's Party?" was, "You'll see..." At 11 p.m. on December 31st, 2006, they saw. Now, everyone will see. (Assuming you have a high-speed connection.)

The video that follows is kinda big (170 megs) and requires a pretty modern computer to play it smoothly, but the good news is that it should start playing before it's fully loaded up.

So sit back and enjoy the 16-minute long Director's Cut of "You'll See -- or -- Donnie & Nate: The Musical!"

Happy Birthday to Me

IMG_0027 3, originally uploaded by CaseWriter21.

I turned 27 the other day, and invited some friends over for a Poker Party (TM) and some fun. I believe my invitation, sent out to some two dozen people, implored the invited guests to "bring a friend or two, a smile or two, and a bottle or two." Alas, only 5 people responded, none of them brought a bottle or a friend (let alone two), and only 3 or 4 brought a smile.

The party was definitely one of the weirdest parties I have ever had, and I blame this on the low turnout. Six people do not a party make, especially when only 3 of the attendees actually agreed to the $5 buy-in for a good game of poker. Shortly through the game, our resident New Yorker tired of tormenting my parrot with Evil Stuffed Animals, and began strategically placing firecrackers throughout the apartment, including but not limited to in the stove burners. When Anthony and Bekah left to go buy a birthday cake, Rich convinced us all to find out what would happen if we put foil in the microwave. I happened to think this was a Very Bad Idea, but the Vocal Minority usually outshouts the Silent Majority, as seen in the following video...

Alas, the supermarket had closed at 11 pm (not 12 am as the Web site said), so I never did get that birthday cake. But that's okay; before the party, Anthony, Gweepay and I went to Lauriol Plaza, where Mexicans sang happy birthday for me as they presented my Birthday Flan...

Here's hoping Year 27 has a little more structure than Party 27.

Anthony's Crazy Theory of Justice

Do you think that it is constitutional (and/or a good idea) for a court to give a convicted rapist the choice between life in prison, and surgical castration with ten years' probation? Discuss.

A tale of speed dating -- HurryDate on U Street, or, Hurry Up and Get Me Out of Here!

"So, I went speed dating last night."

That statement has provoked several reactions: amusement, confusion, laughter, and most of all the question, Why??? Well, I went because I wanted to get out of the house. I wanted to meet some people in real life as opposed to just clicking through them listlessly on match.com. I wanted to dip my toe in the Dating Waters. I guess -- if you wanna look deeper -- I wanted to find a Soulmate.

What I found was more like a Krispy Kreme donut: a creamy center of 2 or 3 genuinely nice girls, surrounded by a boring and pedestrian cushion of cardboard cutouts with no personality to speak of, and covered with a sprinkling of Total Bitches.

Speed dating is supposed to let you figure out in 4 minutes whether you're interested in seeing someone again. Although it does perform that function, I'm not sure that's how I would phrase it. Let's try this: Speed dating lets you figure out, within 1 minute, who you absolutely NEVER want to see again.

I know that's rather a negative construction, but it's accurate. The girls for whom I circled yes, I can't say for sure whether they're a "match." All I can say is that I wouldn't mind hanging out with them to find out. But it takes a lot longer than 4 minutes to open up, lose the nervousness, ignore the absurdity of the 4-minute date, and really start to get to know someone.

But 4 minutes is PLENTY for figuring out who you never ever for the rest of time ever want to talk to or see again, ever. Period. Ever. Some people are so humourless, so devoid of spirit and playfulness, so fundamentally evil and bitchy, that their very existence is an affront to all that is Fun and Just and Good. These are the kinds of people who could scare a puppy simply by looking at it, or who kill plants and drain all the color out of flowers just by walking past them.

It's time for some examples! And for help recounting the evening, I hereby introduce everyone's favorite ne'er-do-well, the jolliest man you'll ever sit next to on the Metro, it's none other than the Earl of Gweepshire, the El Senor Gweepay himself, in the flesh!

Dave, why don't you get us started.

Thanks Matt. Direct from Alabama was the woman I like to call the Stealth Bitch. I give her this moniker due to her initially sweet, fun demeanor that evaporates upon any sort of male contact. But don’t just think this girl is a man-hating feminazi; oh no, it goes much deeper than that. Nay, this particular female falls into that rare but seemingly all too frequent category of individuals who possess the uncanny and likely diabolical ability to suck all of the energy, fun, and goodness out of a person, situation, or room. It’s the Midas touch with a twist, and to say it’s not pleasant would be an insult to unpleasantries.

Unfortunately for me, Stealthy was my last “speed-date” of the evening, meaning I had to end things on a bad note. I had high hopes for the Stealth One --- she appeared relatively cute from afar and seemed fun if a bit demure. As Ursula the Sexy Sea Witch blew her whistle-of-sorts, indicating that it was time to move to the next table, I happily took my seat across from Stealth. I introduced myself and shook her hand. She smiled. Then she dropped the bitch bomb.

“So, what do you do for a living?” said I.
“Oh, I’m a math teacher,” she said.

I then attempted to impress her by telling her all about the magnet program that they had for smart kids in the crappy part of the crappy state which I hail from, and how I was placed into that magnet program in high school, and how I was good at math, but I ended up hating it. Naturally, I thought this story would accomplish two objectives. First, it would allow us to develop a connection based on a shared experience: she teaches math; I had a neat story about being taught math. Secondly, it allowed her to learn more about me, where I’m from, and so forth.

Bitchy’s response? A look. A sort of bitchy look that communicated to me: “Stop trying to pretend we have things in common.” She then moved on to another topic. I tried to soften her up by pointing out that I could read her subtle accent, and that she was obviously from somewhere down south. For a moment, she let her guard down. She was from Alabama, she reported. I told her I was from Michigan.

“Yeah, you have a northwestern accent,” she replied.
“Northwestern? You mean like Washington and Oregon?” I said, knowing that she misspoke and really meant “midwestern,” and trying to add some joviality to the situation.
“No! NORTHWESTERN!” she said, defensively.
“So…Washington and Oregon?” I asked again.
“Oh, I meant midwestern,” she said dismissively, almost offended that I dared to point out her mistake, even in a fun way.

Now contrast that with the many more pleasant vixens that were present, all of whom may or may not turn out to be less than perfect for the Dynamic Duo of speed dating, but all of whom brought a certain sort of charm to the speed dating experience. Like the second grade teacher from Baltimore who was as inquisitive as she was perky, asking all sorts of interesting questions that made one pause to think and ponder.

Oh, I liked the second grade teacher. Of everyone there, she made me smile within the first ten seconds of talking to her. There was just something about her demeanor that radiated friendliness -- requisite, I suppose, when dealing with little kids all day. I can tell you this: If Bitchy McBitchBitch had to deal with 2nd graders all day, there would be no 3rd graders. The 2nd graders would all die from lack of sunshine.

Let's keep talking about the Bitch for a few more minutes. I asked her for three words to describe herself, because, you know, we've only got four minutes and I'm trying to figure out what makes people tick. Now, I've had problems in the past with this question -- a few years ago, someone's three words were "honor, duty and loyalty." Somehow I didn't think that Marine answer would go well with my "creative, musical, curious." The next few minutes were spent in near silence. Ugh!

Hoping for the best, I asked what her three words were. "Loyalty," she said. I started having flashbacks to the Marine. "Feistiness." Coming from the 2nd grade teacher, that would have been great; coming from this one, it didn't bode as well. "And I'm not going to give you a third word."

Me: "Why not? Too many to choose from?"
B-McBB: "I'm just NOT. It's just those two." No smile.
Me: "Okayyyyyy..... well, um, explain a little. How are you loyal?" I say, in my best grin-and-bear-it style.
Her: "I'm very loyal to my friends and family."
Me: "That's great. But let's test it..." I say with a mischievous grin. "Let's say your best friend got into an argument with somebody, and things got chaotic and she ended up somehow pulling out a dagger and--"
Her: "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."
Me: "Okay okay but let's just say--"
Her: "No, I am not going to answer your question. My friend would never pull out a dagger."
Me: "Okay, then let's say it's just a regular knife, not a dagger."
Her: "I am a mathematician," she says with an icy stare. "We don't speculate about things that would never happen." I didn't tell her that as a law student we speculate about this stuff all the time.
Me: "Well, as a mathematician surely you study probability, so what if, though it's improbable--"
Her: "I'm NOT talking about this."
(beat)
Me: "Well I sure see the feistiness."
Her: Icy stare.
Me: Shudder. "Speaking of loyalty, did you hear about the homeless guy in Dupont Circle and his dog, Precious? Apparently they used to be there all the time and the dog was very friendly. Well a couple days ago he was chasing squirrels in the Circle and a cop came to the homeless guy and told him to put the dog on a leash. The homeless guy hesitated and the cop started shouting, going ballistic. So Precious is curious and runs up to see what's going on. She stops a few feet from the cop, who by this time has pulled out his GUN, and suddenly shoots the dog!" This really did happen a few days ago. I was trying to see if she was at all sensitive, or if she would feel any remorse for the dog or his bum master.
Her: "I'm not surprised," she says coldly. "It was a police officer."
Me: "I always thought police are supposed to help."
Her: "They DON'T. They just harrass. I was harrassed three times this year by police!"
Me: "Wow, what happened?"
Her: (Very angry.) "The first time, I was driving and a cop pulled me over for NO reason, and started HARASSING me. Just because my registration had lapsed or something. The second time, I turned when the sign said not to, and again a cop came up and started YELLING at me and TOTALLY harassing me. I didn't do anything! And then..."

She went on to talk about another time when another cop "harrassed" her for "not doing anything," but by this time I was so fed up with this bitchy girl and her warped sense of reality and her inability to be playful or funny or even SMILE at all, I was wondering how the laws of physics had inexplicably altered so as to turn four minutes into four YEARS, and I was wondering why I had shelled out $35 for this.

What a bitch! But there were some good ones... like the spunky architect, also from Baltimore, who had a quirky temperment mixed with a no-bullshit attitude, which your humble correspondent loves, because that means she’ll do all the stuff in the relationship that requires confrontation (which I hate), but also won’t be a bitch to me personally (which I also hate). In that sort of relationship, everybody wins! And by “everybody,” I mean me.

And who could forget the Italian minx from Long Island, who now lives in Baltimore, who was sweeter than, er, something incredibly sweet, and who loved San Francisco. And then of course there was the Asian architect, and she too was from Baltimore, who was a proud INTJ. Once again, is it too early to say whether any of these girls would be even a halfway decent “match” for our Heroes? Absolutely. But were they eons and eons more pleasant to chat with for four minutes than Bitchy McBitchBitch? You better believe it.

I really liked the Asian architect. I didn't know she was an INTJ, but as a fellow INTJ, I'm not surprised we clicked. I met her by the end of the evening, and after two hours of meeting a bunch of random girls, I was done with it. I told her as much. I told her I'm an introvert and I really would rather be somewhere else. She asked why I would come to one of these speed dating things, being an introvert and all. I explained that my introversion gave me even more of a reason to sign up -- it would force me out to meet people! All in all, we had a good chat and it was a pleasant way to finish the evening. She was a definite Yes... I wonder if she said Yes to me too? But wait a sec -- even if she did say yes, she's in Baltimore! What's up with that? Am I going to have to drive all the way out to Baltimore??

Why were there so many girls from BALTIMORE present? Look, I got nothin’ against B-More. It has a certain charm to it, if charm can be measured in gunshots and drug deals, and I’m sure it’s a fine city. But come on, Hurry Date, do you know how FAR B-More is from DC??? Me? I’d have to take the Metro, and then switch lines, and THEN take the “MARC” train for an hour, and then, once in B-More, take a cab to my damsel’s place. That’s too many transfers for me to even calculate.

I don’t want a girlfriend who lives in another city. Because, as the guy, we all know that I’d be the one having to sacrifice and go up to friggin’ Baltimore every friggin’ weekend. At that point, the only way to sustain the relationship would be to talk on the phone for an hour or two a day. I run out of things to say on the phone in 7-10 minutes. This is all very upsetting.

In any event, with just hours to go until I find out which of our fine Hurry Daters selected me as a match, I am being realistically optimistic. I’m hoping for 2-3 mutual matches. I predict that the following girls will select me:

1) One of the three quirky architect girls from Baltimore. Hopefully that spunky gal, but probably not.
2) One of a) Long Island chick or b) inquisitive 2nd grade teacher, but not both.
3) One random girl who I haven’t thought much about, possibly even someone I marked “no” to, like the girl from Nigeria named after a brand of shoe.

I said no to the shoe also. Overall, I marked yes for seven of the 14 girls we met, but a few of those were pretty borderline. I am also hoping for 2-3 mutual matches -- actually, I want the same ones as you! The 2nd grade teacher or one of the architect girls. They seemed to like me. I went up to them after the event was over and said, "Now, I know you're all friends. And I just want to tell you: Please don't fight over me."

But ultimately, if no one picks me, I won't be too down about it. After all, HurryDating, SpeedDating, FrenzyDating -- whatever you wanna call it -- is fundamentally unnatural. I much prefer to meet my women the old-fashioned way: On the Internet.