The Wind Shield is what makes it really bad

Katherine:  you ran tonight?
Matt:   YES
Katherine: it's -7 right now here WITHOUT windshield
Matt:   awwwwwwww
  windshield!
  that's adorable!
  hahahahaa
Katherine:  what
Matt:   hahahahahaha
  do you call it windshield
Katherine:  yes
Matt:  hahahahahaa
  awww
Katherine:  oh no
Matt:  that's so cute
  that's like when i used to call it pasghetti
Katherine: i'm looking at your status
Matt:  hahahaaha
Katherine: it's wind chill???
Matt:  YES!!!!!
Katherine: i thought it was wind shield!!!!!!
Katherine: all these years!
Matt:  hahhahahaha
  oh no!
Katherine: i guess i've only ever said it
Matt:  you have been hoodwinked
Katherine: never written it
  no one ever corrected me
  cuz i guess it always sounded like windchill
Matt:  it would sound like a southern accent
  if you said it your way
Katherine: i do get awfully twangy
Matt:  wow
  in your defense
  i used to also think it was windshield
Matt:  until i was about 12 years old
Matt:  but then i figured it out
Katherine: how come no one has ever said, it's not said that way!
Katherine: i must have gotten it from you then
Matt:  OH DON'T BLAME ME for this
Katherine: how did i not know
  maybe i did know
Matt:  that is tragic
  and awesomely hilarious
Katherine: i'm sure i've seen it written
  maybe i'm just creating it
  cuz i look at the weather channel all the time
  and they write wind chill
  but my mind sees it like windshield
  this confirms it: i only see what i want to see!
  and hear what i want to hear!
Matt:  that's the definition of a crazy person!!
Katherine: then call me crazy

A Special Kind of Warrior

My housemate Christen calls me from CVS and asks if I need anything. I respond that I am almost out of deodorant.

Christen: What scent do you want?
Matt: I don't know... it's so hard to describe.
Christen: How about "Ocean"?
Matt: No! Not ocean. Rain, maybe. Something bluish.
Christen: Well what do you want to smell like?
Matt: I want to smell like a warrior.
Christen: A warrior, hmm.
Matt: The kind of warrior who would run through a field of flowers after a victorious battle.
Christen: So you want to smell like flowers.
Matt: NO! Not a warrior who smells like flowers; a warrior who would run through a field of flowers. That's what I want to smell like.
Christen: (uncontrollable laughter)
Matt: Do you understand the distinction?
Christen: Yes, and that's why I'm laughing so much!

Classic Dialogue from October 7, 2005

(In the car.)

Matt: "I'm not coming back here when I graduate."
Katherine: "That's okay. I'm moving away."
Elizabeth: "I'm leaving too."
Mom: "You can all go to hell!"

Now that's a good compromise

Matt: I figure if the federal gov't is going to take a stronger role than in the past, they might as well do it right. I know money won't fix everything, but by god, I'd rather spend $15B on helping our nation's schools than on building another bomber.

Ryan: No no, I want the bomber. It's cooler.

Matt: How about we compromise?

Ryan: Ok, we can hold classes in my bomber.

Straight to Video?

Matt explaining to his father why the ALI conference discussing the next Restatement of Law is not boring:

Matt: "It's amazing. There are judges, professors, Supreme Court litigators -- the combined brainpower in the room is phenomenal -- and they are coming together to determine the rules that will govern our civilization. These are the greatest legal scholars of our time -- our philosopher kings, so to speak -- in one room, hammering out the rules of society. So what might seem at first glance to be mundane is actually quite profound."

Dad: "I'll wait for the movie."

Scenes from My Life

Scene 1: Matt's apartment. Matt is starving, and then he receives a phone call.

Delivery Man: I'm outside, can you come down?
Matt: I'll be right down!

Matt comes downstairs but there is no sign of the delivery man. A minute later, he shows up in his car.

Matt: You said you were outside!
Delivery Man: Well, technically I was "outside."
Matt: You know, you should be a lawyer.
Delivery Man: I am a lawyer! I practiced law in Tunisia before I came to America!

*

Scene 2: Choir rehearsal. Conductor asks where all the second tenors are sitting. They raise their hands on the other side of the room. Matt, a first tenor, hisses at them.

Second #1: Did you just hiss?!
Matt: Second tenors are second-class citizens.
Second #2: And you're a first-class asshole!

*

Scene 3: Church, before the service. The pastor is harried and not looking where she's going. She slams open a door, almost running into Matt, who has to jump back to avoid a collision. Pastor just stands there, staring, not knowing what to say.

Matt (serene and smiling): You are Forgiven.
Pastor (pleasantly surprised): You are also Forgiven. Grace be to God!

Overstock.com employees: helpful but not accurate

Welcome to Overstock.com, you are now chatting with 'Tony'

Tony: Thanks for visiting Overstock.com, this is Tony, how can I help you?
Matt: I was wondering if you could tell me why the sky is blue.
Tony: I do not have the exact information on that, however, I personally feel that the water color gets reflected on to the sky that's why its blue in color.

Ahh, so close Tony! In fact, so close that upon a cursory glance, I just assumed you had gotten it right because you used the magic word "reflected." Indeed, something is reflecting, but it is not water droplets.

According to my fuzzy memory of Mr. Wizard and other infotainment, the sky is blue because... um... something about the light being scattered... DAMMIT. Um, Google?

"The blue color of the sky is due to Rayleigh scattering. As light moves through the atmosphere, most of the longer wavelengths pass straight through. Little of the red, orange and yellow light is affected by the air.

However, much of the shorter wavelength light is absorbed by the gas molecules. The absorbed blue light is then radiated in different directions. It gets scattered all around the sky. Whichever direction you look, some of this scattered blue light reaches you. Since you see the blue light from everywhere overhead, the sky looks blue." --http://www.sciencemadesimple.com/sky_blue.html

And there you have it! What have we learned today? 1) The sky is blue because of scattering. 2) When bored, a fun way of passing the time is chatting with Overstock.com online help and asking them science questions.

Emerging from my cocoon after ten years

Everyone goes into their high school reunions with the goal of making a positive impression on former classmates. (Well, assuming one goes to the reunion at all.) "Positive" means different things to different people. Some demonstrate their generosity, buying drinks for everyone in the house. Some play up their status as a family man (or woman), pulling out pictures of their adorable children. (Children? Wha? We ARE children, for Chrissake!)

Still others go to the reunion with the goal of proving, once and for all, that all that high school awkwardness and insecurity was just a phase. The larval phase, if you will. And in the ten years since we walked across the stage in our ugly green robes, we have been metamorphosing -- growing and maturing and working out the kinks -- in our own little cocoon that I will dub "the early 2000's."

Well, my friends, I was one of those larvas. Larvae. Whatever, it doesn't matter how you spell it, because I am not a larva anymore. I am a freakin' butterfly. I went to my reunion with the sole purpose of proving to myself that I didn't need to surround myself with familiar faces and close friends to have a good time. I cared about proving to myself that even though I score a 95% "Introvert" on the Myers-Briggs scale -- think Milton from Office Space -- I do indeed have a wellspring of charm buried somewhere inside me that I can turn on when I need to. I wanted to shed the shy, socially-awkward Matt of years past, and just let loose and have fun with all the people I didn't get to know well enough ten years ago.

Well, as the banner on GWB's aircraft carrier put it four years ago, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!" The difference now, of course, is that I actually did accomplish the mission. The Osama bin Ladens of my past have officially been captured or killed, and I'm claiming the $25 million bounty, baby.

As it turns out, it really isn't very hard to be a Fun Guy at parties. Put together a fine outfit (as you can see from the picture at right, I chose to go as a Jewish Gangster, complete with a golden chai hanging from my neck), smile at everyone you meet, and don't take anything too seriously. (A few drinks and a recent refresher course in the Mystery Method don't hurt either.)

Most importantly, take lots of photos with beautiful women, and post the photos on your Web site along with video showing what a stud you are. ;-) (It helps if you fail to mention that almost every attractive woman was married or engaged.)

Seriously though, I don't know if I have gotten more social in the last ten years, or if everyone has just gotten a lot friendlier -- it's probably a bit of both. All I do know is that all the old cliques and barriers of yesteryear seem to have melted away. As I mentioned to a few people on Saturday night, "This is so much better than high school!"

From an organizational standpoint, it wasn't a very elaborate affair; the reunion committee had taken our $25 entry fee and used it to rent out an atrium and patio, and provide us with some fairly tasty hor dourves. Apparently there was a projector set up showing pictures from high school, but most people ignored it. The highlight of the evening was the cash bar that served very very strong and tasty drinks, and pretty much everyone was tipsy or drunk by the end of the night. Of course, this was the first time everyone had gotten drunk together, because my peers didn't have any parties back in high school.*

The turnout was surprisingly low. There were 252 people in my graduating class, but only around 75 showed up. But from what I could tell, the 25% who were there had done fairly well for themselves. Some financial analysts, a nurse, a dentist, and some bearded legal types whom I quickly gravitated toward. But I'd say the most impressive of all was Jeff K., whose business card says he is a Vice President of Production at a major movie studio out in L.A. I am at once proud, in awe, jealous, and pissed off. It's okay though, because ten years ago I was chosen over him to give the high school graduation speech. So there! Cry about THAT, Jeff! Cry all the way to the bank! To your private vault where you no doubt wile away the hours diving naked into stacks of gold coins! (That is what rich people do, isn't it? All I have to go on is the popular perception of Scrooge McDuck, but I think I've got the picture.)

In the end, though, no one really seemed to care what we "do" for a living. Law, medicine, business, or movie producing, that's just a job. Frankly, I didn't even remember what most peoples' day job turned out to be. You know what stood out? How happy they seemed to be. And, on the whole, the class of 1997 seemed to be fairly content.

A recurring theme in my life is the desire to go back and do things differently, knowing then what I know now. Were I to go back and do high school over again, I'm sure I would have a much better time, and gotten a lot more out of it. But you know what? I could say that about most periods of my life. And I think that's a good thing: It means I'm getting better at This Thing Called Life. And it makes me excited for the future.

A lot of people don't plan to go to their high school reunion, because (as one friend put it in an e-mail recently), "My philosophy is that I already keep in touch with all of the people from high school that I have any desire in seeing." I used to think that too, but it turns out there are a lot of friends from high school who I simply lost track of over the last ten years, and it was great to see them again. Plus, in addition to reconnecting with people, it is great to get to know others who I never really got to know the first time around.

A few choice quotes (Click here for a brief audio snippet!)

Random girl to me: "You look a lot different -- you look great!"

Guy: "How many companies do you own?"
Matt: "I've got partial stakes in seven, I've got --"
Jeff: "NOT counting the adult entertainment companies."
Matt: "Zero then."

Drunk Girl: "What's your name?"
Matt: "Matt [redacted], nice to meet you."
Girl: "Maaaatt? For reeeeal?"
Matt: "Were you at Groves?"
Girl: "Holy God dammit -- you look sooooooo different!"
Molly (to the girl, matter-of-factly): "Facial hair and smaller glasses."

Matt to a girl he doesn't know: "I did so many drugs over the last ten years, I don't remember anybody."
Guy: "That's bullshit."
Matt: "Okay, I've never done any drugs."
Guy: "You didn't fool me for a second."
Matt: "I wanted to do drugs. I almost did marijuana once. I think I got a contact high."
*laughter*
Jeff: "I think I almost didn't do marijuana once."

Almost five hours after I arrived, I got into my car and drove home with the biggest smile on my face. My 10-year reunion had been a rousing success. I'm already looking forward to the 20th -- not just because the current committee asked if I want to be involved in planning the 20th, but also because some of the married hotties might be divorced by then. ;-)

---

*Yes, I know of the rumor that if one THINKS there were no big parties back in high school, it actually means one was not invited to the big parties back in high school. I firmly believe in the falsehood of this rumor. Nothing to see here. Carry on.

Its parts are greater than the sum?

• "Who needs the other 160!" -Norm Scribner, upon hearing the 30-person group he had chosen to sing the Ford's Theatre Holiday Celebration

The Sexual Appetites of DC Interns

• "I once had online sex in Second Life.
  I just wanted to see what it was like.....
  It was weird." -Neil the Intern

Clearly Monica was not the only lascivious 20-something to intern in our Nation's Capital.

Typical

• "Why am I not surprised that you made it both to the largest Apple store in the world and the sex district on your first day in London." -Uncle Stu
  

Yeah yeah

Discussion with the Little Sister
• Elizabeth: "Would you be upset if you were in a case and your attorney didn't call you back or return your e-mails for 2-3 weeks?"
  Matt: "Well you have to understand that attorneys--"
  Elizabeth (cutting me off as though she has heard my 'attorneys are very busy' spiel before): "I know."
  Matt: (silence)
  Elizabeth: "Would you be upset?"
  Matt: "Probably."
  
  

Case dismissed

• Amusing holding in a 1944 case about whether a cosmetic company was liable for burns: "That the plaintiff would sprinkle nail polish remover on his clothing and ignite himself was not an event that the defendant could reasonably have anticipated."
  

Take that, Jared

• Where to eat?
  Donnie: "We could go to Subway."
  Matt: "No, I don't want to 'eat fresh.'"
  Donnie: look of astonishment
  Matt (defensively): "I don't!"
  
• Donnie: "You ate three truffles."
  Matt: "No, i can explain... how did you know?"
  Donnie: "There are three truffle wrappers right next to you."
  Matt: "Damn it! foiled again!"

On Confrontation

• Sweetie, to me: "I don't like dealing with confrontation, but you don't like dealing with anything."
  

Quotes

• Trying to do laundry
  Matt: "There's no 'Toxic' setting on the washer, is there?"


• Trying to fix the Internet connection on Sweetie's laptop
  Matt: "There's nothing wrong with the router. Do you know what that means?"
  Sweetie: "Mmhmm. It means... there's something wrong... with YOU!"

Overheard

• "For culturalization, you really have to learn how these machines work." --One Amish to another, standing at a Cleveland Park Metro farecard dispenser. The Amish on the receiving end of this advice did not look happy.