Have you always wanted to know what it was like to create a "Match.com" profile but been unable to act on the impulse due to fear and/or shame and/or your significant other? Do you secretely wish you could peruse Internet dating sites while your lover is away, with only that wily Internet history function thwarting your plans? Well friend, your pal Gweepay feels your pain. And that's why I've decided to give you an excuse to both visit America's premier web-based dating site AND take part in a fun project by helping me, Gweepay, edit my Match.com profile.
You see, my profile has gone through a number of iterations, with each enjoying varying levels of success when it comes to luring in Match girls. Indeed, this latest profile has been far more successful than most of my previous ones, generating at least a few electronic "winks" from females, as well as an email or two. But generally speaking, my conversations with these women are all for naught, as the vixens who do choose to correspond with me usually fall off the face of the earth after nary a few emails, apparently changing their minds irrationally, as women are wont to do. And in the unlikely event I DO convince one of these girls to accompany me for coffee or equivalent, the result is almost always an utterance of my official BeforeISleep catch phrase: "What a bitch!"
So, gentle reader, here's your opportunity to give your old pal Gweepay a hand. Help me help you help me.
The profile can be found here.
Some common critiques include the following:
1) At least two individuals have questioned my sanity for including anything relating to "September 11th" in my Match.com profile. Apparently, this is sort of like having a "Pearl Harbor. We remember." coffee table book as a conversation piece at a party.
2) At least one person thinks that much of the implied humor is only effective if one already knows my personality, and that without that foreknowledge, many of my tongue-in-cheek remarks could cause me to come across as an asshole.
3) A number of critics have suggested that instead of using the "what you do for fun" section simply to amuse myself, I should probably include activities that women could imagine doing with me. I'd prefer simply to amuse myself. Hmm, maybe it's not so surprising that I'm single.
4) At least one individual suggested that it was a clear and blatant lie that I exercise "1 to 2 times per week." I suppose this is true, but show me a relationship that's not based on massive amounts of deceit and I'll show you a, well, a functional relationship I guess.
I think my single biggest problem when writing such a profile is striking just the right balance regarding humor. Considering that my quirky take on life is integral to my personality, it's probably important to try to display as much of that as possible in my profile in order to accomplish the twin objectives of weeding out women who would be turned off by that as well as reeling in those who find my sense of humor the ultimate aphrodysiac. The problem is, most clever commentary by nature has a double-meaning. There's the intended figurative meaning, which is funny, and the unintended literal meaning, which is often downright offensive. Knowing women the way I do, I suspect many of them, when faced with this double meaning, will naturally assume the worst, especially without being able to analyze it against the backdrop of my personality and temperment. But the only alternative is to write a completely mundate, boring profile that will simply blend in with all the others.
So, what are your thoughts on all of this? Feel free to comment in the, er, comments section. If the revised profile ends up generating a great deal of success for the Gweepmeister, you'll be rewarded with a glossy new holiday card this December!
Sunday, October 8, 2006
Thursday, October 5, 2006
The Surprise
The Big Surprise of the week: I am shorn. That's right. As you can see from the picture to your right (and the several scary LittleMatts hovering above), I have not only shaved several months worth of hair off my face, but also several years off my appearance. Instead of the manly early-30s look I was pulling off, I am again a victim of my patented BabyFace(TM), appearing to be 20 or 21 at best. My goal is to be carded when I go to my next R movie.It's interesting how few people noticed the change. My roommate notice instantly, of course, but at work things were different. Only three people noticed that the beard was gone; several more (including the head of the legal department) had the sneaking suspicion that "something" was "different," but they couldn't quite place it. Once I told them, of course, they hung their heads in shame and disbelief that they could miss such a huge change.
The general consensus is that it was a good move, though I looked fine with the beard. Part of me now feels like, "It's good to be back!", but I know I'll feel much better once I drop some pounds.
Monday, October 2, 2006
BeforeISleep.net has a new feature -- contributors!
| Special announcement: There will be CONTRIBUTORS to beforeisleep.net | |
Sunday, October 1, 2006
CC-riding at Eastern Market
Since I was introduced to it several months ago, Eastern Market has become my favorite Saturday morning destination in DC. There are always fruits and vegetables to sample, paintings and jewelry to admire (and hope to someday have the cash to purchase), and Clinton the Fourth to ride like a wild bull. Clinton (known to his college friends as CC) works at Uncle Brutha's Hot Sauce Emporium -- one of my favorite stores in the World -- and never shies away from providing a wild ride, either through several pepperrific concoctions he doles out from behind the counter, or through piggy-back rides through the Market. Highly recommended.
Creepy Curmudgeonly Congress-Critter Caught Communicating Crudely
This ain't Mr. Smith's Washington, that's for sure.
Veteran Congressman Mark Foley (Pedophile-Florida), who had amassed a dozen-year tenure in the House and who had been considered a potential candidate for the U.S. Senate as late as 2003 resigned in shame just days ago after a 16-year-old male congressional page went public with accusations of sexual advances by Foley. The page, whose name is being withheld by the media, and who I will thus refer to as, "Cute Buttcheeks," became quite understandably creeped out following a number of emails and internet chats with Foley, in which the legislator somehow morphed into Austin Powers' evil pedophile twin, inquiring regularly whether or not the youth was indeed "horny" at any given time and discussing other unsavory topics such as self-pleasure and fetishes. Buttcheeks proceeded to do what any of us would do: save the IM conversations and emails and forward them to congressional staffers, who, after laughing non-stop for at least 27 consecutive minutes, alerted the powers-that-be to the situation, culminating in a quick resignation by Foley.
A couple of thoughts on this whole incident. First, I remember what it was like to be 16. It was pretty darn cool. I didn't have to work, my parents paid for stuff, and I hadn't experienced any actual relationships yet, meaning my soul was still intact. In retrospect, 16 was a pretty nice age. But I digress. The point is, I tend to agree with Bill Maher's statement about teenage boys being "victims" of sexual predators, and that is that these 16-year-old boys who are taken advantage of by hot, blonde, leggy, thirtysomething teachers trying to re-live their glory days aren't really victims of anything, and are basically just living out every teenage boy's fantasy, which is to sleep with the hot teacher. It's harder for women to understand this dynamic, because I suspect that a 16-year-old girl taken advantage of by a 36-year old male teacher would actually be quite the victim in that circumstance. A lot of it has to do with the natural and innate ability of males to divorce and compartmentalize sex from emotion, something that has spawned generation upon generation of bitter females. The point is, I remember being 16, and if a hot female teacher had come on to me, I'd still be recounting the story every chance I got with male compatriots.
But how does this all relate to Foley and Buttcheeks? Simple. If Buttcheeks is not just a 16-year-old, but a gay 16-year-old, I suspect he wouldn't exactly be traumatized by an older male figure coming on to him. I suspect it would be a lot like what straight male 16-year-olds feel when an older woman comes on to them, which usually leads to a round of high-fives with their friends. I'm not saying this to excuse Foley's behavior in any way. None of this changes the fact that Foley acted in a manner that was grossly inappropriate and that involved abuse of power to the extreme (trust me, you don't get much more of a power differential in life than that between a United States Congressman and a 16-year-old page). But what I am saying is that there are many more things we have to know about Buttcheeks before we can make the blanket diagnosis that he will need years of therapy to overcome all of this. It's possible he will; it's equally possible he and his friends are laughing about all of this right now.
My only other thought on the matter has to do with one of the bizarre subtopics of the Instant Messenger conversation between Foley and Buttcheeks involving fetishes. For some reason unbeknownst to me, Buttcheeks decides to share with Foley the fact that he has a "cast fetish." Foley, who may be a pedophile but is no weirdo, is confused, and asks Buttcheeks to elaborate. Buttcheeks goes on to explain that for some strange reason, "casts" turn him on. People wearing casts. The thought of wearing a cast himself. And so on. Buttcheeks then goes on to attempt to redeem himself with a lame embrace of the whole "Catholic girl" thing (something I think we can all agree on). Foley seems unimpressed.
The point is, I think the worst part of this whole ordeal for Buttcheeks is that now everybody knows he has a cast fetish. His mother knows. His siblings know. His grandparents know. ALL of his friends know. His teachers know. EVERYBODY knows. And you know what that means. That means whenever anyone sees this guy for at least the next few weeks, if not months, if not years, they're going to have two words running through their mind: Cast. Fetish.
At this point, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "come on Gweepay, a hotshot correspondent like you just HAS to be able to produce the transcript of the IM chat between these two clowns!" Friend, I've done you one better. Attached to this post is an audio re-enactment of the real, actual IM chat between Foley and Buttcheeks. Listen to your heart's content. In the re-enactment, the part of of Foley will be played by Yours Truly, the part of Buttcheeks will be played by BeforeISleep.net Editor, Matt, with sound effects provided by Rudy the Parrot. Enjoy!
CHECK BACK LATER FOR AUDIO FILE
Veteran Congressman Mark Foley (Pedophile-Florida), who had amassed a dozen-year tenure in the House and who had been considered a potential candidate for the U.S. Senate as late as 2003 resigned in shame just days ago after a 16-year-old male congressional page went public with accusations of sexual advances by Foley. The page, whose name is being withheld by the media, and who I will thus refer to as, "Cute Buttcheeks," became quite understandably creeped out following a number of emails and internet chats with Foley, in which the legislator somehow morphed into Austin Powers' evil pedophile twin, inquiring regularly whether or not the youth was indeed "horny" at any given time and discussing other unsavory topics such as self-pleasure and fetishes. Buttcheeks proceeded to do what any of us would do: save the IM conversations and emails and forward them to congressional staffers, who, after laughing non-stop for at least 27 consecutive minutes, alerted the powers-that-be to the situation, culminating in a quick resignation by Foley.
A couple of thoughts on this whole incident. First, I remember what it was like to be 16. It was pretty darn cool. I didn't have to work, my parents paid for stuff, and I hadn't experienced any actual relationships yet, meaning my soul was still intact. In retrospect, 16 was a pretty nice age. But I digress. The point is, I tend to agree with Bill Maher's statement about teenage boys being "victims" of sexual predators, and that is that these 16-year-old boys who are taken advantage of by hot, blonde, leggy, thirtysomething teachers trying to re-live their glory days aren't really victims of anything, and are basically just living out every teenage boy's fantasy, which is to sleep with the hot teacher. It's harder for women to understand this dynamic, because I suspect that a 16-year-old girl taken advantage of by a 36-year old male teacher would actually be quite the victim in that circumstance. A lot of it has to do with the natural and innate ability of males to divorce and compartmentalize sex from emotion, something that has spawned generation upon generation of bitter females. The point is, I remember being 16, and if a hot female teacher had come on to me, I'd still be recounting the story every chance I got with male compatriots.
But how does this all relate to Foley and Buttcheeks? Simple. If Buttcheeks is not just a 16-year-old, but a gay 16-year-old, I suspect he wouldn't exactly be traumatized by an older male figure coming on to him. I suspect it would be a lot like what straight male 16-year-olds feel when an older woman comes on to them, which usually leads to a round of high-fives with their friends. I'm not saying this to excuse Foley's behavior in any way. None of this changes the fact that Foley acted in a manner that was grossly inappropriate and that involved abuse of power to the extreme (trust me, you don't get much more of a power differential in life than that between a United States Congressman and a 16-year-old page). But what I am saying is that there are many more things we have to know about Buttcheeks before we can make the blanket diagnosis that he will need years of therapy to overcome all of this. It's possible he will; it's equally possible he and his friends are laughing about all of this right now.
My only other thought on the matter has to do with one of the bizarre subtopics of the Instant Messenger conversation between Foley and Buttcheeks involving fetishes. For some reason unbeknownst to me, Buttcheeks decides to share with Foley the fact that he has a "cast fetish." Foley, who may be a pedophile but is no weirdo, is confused, and asks Buttcheeks to elaborate. Buttcheeks goes on to explain that for some strange reason, "casts" turn him on. People wearing casts. The thought of wearing a cast himself. And so on. Buttcheeks then goes on to attempt to redeem himself with a lame embrace of the whole "Catholic girl" thing (something I think we can all agree on). Foley seems unimpressed.
The point is, I think the worst part of this whole ordeal for Buttcheeks is that now everybody knows he has a cast fetish. His mother knows. His siblings know. His grandparents know. ALL of his friends know. His teachers know. EVERYBODY knows. And you know what that means. That means whenever anyone sees this guy for at least the next few weeks, if not months, if not years, they're going to have two words running through their mind: Cast. Fetish.
At this point, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "come on Gweepay, a hotshot correspondent like you just HAS to be able to produce the transcript of the IM chat between these two clowns!" Friend, I've done you one better. Attached to this post is an audio re-enactment of the real, actual IM chat between Foley and Buttcheeks. Listen to your heart's content. In the re-enactment, the part of of Foley will be played by Yours Truly, the part of Buttcheeks will be played by BeforeISleep.net Editor, Matt, with sound effects provided by Rudy the Parrot. Enjoy!
CHECK BACK LATER FOR AUDIO FILE
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