Sunday, October 1, 2006

Creepy Curmudgeonly Congress-Critter Caught Communicating Crudely

This ain't Mr. Smith's Washington, that's for sure.

Veteran Congressman Mark Foley (Pedophile-Florida), who had amassed a dozen-year tenure in the House and who had been considered a potential candidate for the U.S. Senate as late as 2003 resigned in shame just days ago after a 16-year-old male congressional page went public with accusations of sexual advances by Foley. The page, whose name is being withheld by the media, and who I will thus refer to as, "Cute Buttcheeks," became quite understandably creeped out following a number of emails and internet chats with Foley, in which the legislator somehow morphed into Austin Powers' evil pedophile twin, inquiring regularly whether or not the youth was indeed "horny" at any given time and discussing other unsavory topics such as self-pleasure and fetishes. Buttcheeks proceeded to do what any of us would do: save the IM conversations and emails and forward them to congressional staffers, who, after laughing non-stop for at least 27 consecutive minutes, alerted the powers-that-be to the situation, culminating in a quick resignation by Foley.

A couple of thoughts on this whole incident. First, I remember what it was like to be 16. It was pretty darn cool. I didn't have to work, my parents paid for stuff, and I hadn't experienced any actual relationships yet, meaning my soul was still intact. In retrospect, 16 was a pretty nice age. But I digress. The point is, I tend to agree with Bill Maher's statement about teenage boys being "victims" of sexual predators, and that is that these 16-year-old boys who are taken advantage of by hot, blonde, leggy, thirtysomething teachers trying to re-live their glory days aren't really victims of anything, and are basically just living out every teenage boy's fantasy, which is to sleep with the hot teacher. It's harder for women to understand this dynamic, because I suspect that a 16-year-old girl taken advantage of by a 36-year old male teacher would actually be quite the victim in that circumstance. A lot of it has to do with the natural and innate ability of males to divorce and compartmentalize sex from emotion, something that has spawned generation upon generation of bitter females. The point is, I remember being 16, and if a hot female teacher had come on to me, I'd still be recounting the story every chance I got with male compatriots.

But how does this all relate to Foley and Buttcheeks? Simple. If Buttcheeks is not just a 16-year-old, but a gay 16-year-old, I suspect he wouldn't exactly be traumatized by an older male figure coming on to him. I suspect it would be a lot like what straight male 16-year-olds feel when an older woman comes on to them, which usually leads to a round of high-fives with their friends. I'm not saying this to excuse Foley's behavior in any way. None of this changes the fact that Foley acted in a manner that was grossly inappropriate and that involved abuse of power to the extreme (trust me, you don't get much more of a power differential in life than that between a United States Congressman and a 16-year-old page). But what I am saying is that there are many more things we have to know about Buttcheeks before we can make the blanket diagnosis that he will need years of therapy to overcome all of this. It's possible he will; it's equally possible he and his friends are laughing about all of this right now.

My only other thought on the matter has to do with one of the bizarre subtopics of the Instant Messenger conversation between Foley and Buttcheeks involving fetishes. For some reason unbeknownst to me, Buttcheeks decides to share with Foley the fact that he has a "cast fetish." Foley, who may be a pedophile but is no weirdo, is confused, and asks Buttcheeks to elaborate. Buttcheeks goes on to explain that for some strange reason, "casts" turn him on. People wearing casts. The thought of wearing a cast himself. And so on. Buttcheeks then goes on to attempt to redeem himself with a lame embrace of the whole "Catholic girl" thing (something I think we can all agree on). Foley seems unimpressed.

The point is, I think the worst part of this whole ordeal for Buttcheeks is that now everybody knows he has a cast fetish. His mother knows. His siblings know. His grandparents know. ALL of his friends know. His teachers know. EVERYBODY knows. And you know what that means. That means whenever anyone sees this guy for at least the next few weeks, if not months, if not years, they're going to have two words running through their mind: Cast. Fetish.

At this point, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "come on Gweepay, a hotshot correspondent like you just HAS to be able to produce the transcript of the IM chat between these two clowns!" Friend, I've done you one better. Attached to this post is an audio re-enactment of the real, actual IM chat between Foley and Buttcheeks. Listen to your heart's content. In the re-enactment, the part of of Foley will be played by Yours Truly, the part of Buttcheeks will be played by Editor, Matt, with sound effects provided by Rudy the Parrot. Enjoy!


No comments: