Friday, January 25, 2008
Several months ago I was browsing the Interwebs when I came across a site offering free samples of a new energy drink to anyone who wanted to be an "exclusive tester" and sample a new drink before it came to market. The drink, Crave, promised a sweet and pleasant taste, very few calories, and hours of energy with no crash afterward. Needless to say, I was intrigued, and I requested a free sample.
This was a bad idea. In retrospect, I suppose I should have been suspicious... honestly, who in their right mind would drink something that arrived in the mail from a random company found on the Internet? What good ever comes out of something offered free of charge? And so on.
Long story short, I finally had a chance to taste Crave. The experience was NOT a positive one.
My trepidation began upon pouring the bright green powder into a chilled bottle of water: When I shook the bottle to mix up the drink, the powder would not entirely dissolve. No matter how hard or long I shook, I was left with a light-green colored liquid filled with several small green clumps. Since most of these were congregated around the bottom, I decided I could take a sip.
I untwisted the cap and sniffed. I was answered by a highly chemical smell that was not pleasant. Trepidatious, I closed my eyes and took a sip...
OH, THE HORROR!
Disgusting! The package describes the drink as "pleasant tasting," which leads me to believe that whoever designed the package is either a pathological liar or has never actually tasted the drink for himself. It tastes like drinking liquid plastic with a touch of fake sweetener. It is as if a mad chemist got drunk one night and started pouring random beakers of chemicals into a glass jar and then wrote "ENERGY" on the side. After swallowing half of one sip, my face involuntarily contorted into a grimace and I felt an overwhelming urge to spit out the vile, nasty concoction that remained in my mouth.
Having feared this reaction, I was prepared. I had brought a can of Bawls with me in case the need arose to chase down the Crave energy powder drink. Now, I frantically opened the can and took a large swig of Bawls, my highly-caffeinated guarana-infused energy drink of choice, Now and Forever.
Crave is, without a doubt, the worst energy drink I have ever tasted in my life. More than that, it is actually far nastier than most medicines I have tasted. I would never, in a million years, pay for the privilege of swallowing this vile potion. I would not even drink it if someone else paid me. I am pouring out the rest of the bottle into a gutter somewhere, and I will never take a sip of Crave ever again, and I will encourage anyone who asks to avoid it at all costs. It is inferior to every other energy drink on the market, and some part of me thinks that it might be slightly poisonous, and that the company may be trying to kill people under the guise of a "free sample."
About a half hour after my sip, I experienced an uncomfortable moment of gastrointestinal distress. No doubt, this was because I had just consumed a little bit of poison, shortening my life by at least a few minutes. But rather than sue the company for intentional infliction of emotional distress, I shall simply think of this as a Life Lesson, and move on.
Let This Be a Lesson: Never drink something sent by a stranger, and NEVER EVER consume the Crave Energy Drink.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
And old folk, too, the rich ones are the worst, snarling and savage and cursing me, railing and screaming: what did I think I was? Hadn’t they gathered and saved all the gold they could garner? Wouldn’t I take some now, to put them back ashore? They’d have the law on me, they had powerful friends, they knew the Pope and the king of this and the duke of that, they were in a position to see I was punished and chastised . . . But they knew what the truth was in the end: the only position they were in was in my boat going to the land of the dead, and as for those kings and Popes, they’d be in here, too, in their turn, sooner than they wanted.--The Amber Spyglass by Philip Pullman