Friday, January 25, 2008

Crave is the Worst Energy Drink in the History of Mankind


Several months ago I was browsing the Interwebs when I came across a site offering free samples of a new energy drink to anyone who wanted to be an "exclusive tester" and sample a new drink before it came to market. The drink, Crave, promised a sweet and pleasant taste, very few calories, and hours of energy with no crash afterward. Needless to say, I was intrigued, and I requested a free sample.

This was a bad idea. In retrospect, I suppose I should have been suspicious... honestly, who in their right mind would drink something that arrived in the mail from a random company found on the Internet? What good ever comes out of something offered free of charge? And so on.

Long story short, I finally had a chance to taste Crave. The experience was NOT a positive one.

My trepidation began upon pouring the bright green powder into a chilled bottle of water: When I shook the bottle to mix up the drink, the powder would not entirely dissolve. No matter how hard or long I shook, I was left with a light-green colored liquid filled with several small green clumps. Since most of these were congregated around the bottom, I decided I could take a sip.

I untwisted the cap and sniffed. I was answered by a highly chemical smell that was not pleasant. Trepidatious, I closed my eyes and took a sip...

OH, THE HORROR!

Disgusting! The package describes the drink as "pleasant tasting," which leads me to believe that whoever designed the package is either a pathological liar or has never actually tasted the drink for himself. It tastes like drinking liquid plastic with a touch of fake sweetener. It is as if a mad chemist got drunk one night and started pouring random beakers of chemicals into a glass jar and then wrote "ENERGY" on the side. After swallowing half of one sip, my face involuntarily contorted into a grimace and I felt an overwhelming urge to spit out the vile, nasty concoction that remained in my mouth.

Having feared this reaction, I was prepared. I had brought a can of Bawls with me in case the need arose to chase down the Crave energy powder drink. Now, I frantically opened the can and took a large swig of Bawls, my highly-caffeinated guarana-infused energy drink of choice, Now and Forever.

Crave is, without a doubt, the worst energy drink I have ever tasted in my life. More than that, it is actually far nastier than most medicines I have tasted. I would never, in a million years, pay for the privilege of swallowing this vile potion. I would not even drink it if someone else paid me. I am pouring out the rest of the bottle into a gutter somewhere, and I will never take a sip of Crave ever again, and I will encourage anyone who asks to avoid it at all costs. It is inferior to every other energy drink on the market, and some part of me thinks that it might be slightly poisonous, and that the company may be trying to kill people under the guise of a "free sample."

About a half hour after my sip, I experienced an uncomfortable moment of gastrointestinal distress. No doubt, this was because I had just consumed a little bit of poison, shortening my life by at least a few minutes. But rather than sue the company for intentional infliction of emotional distress, I shall simply think of this as a Life Lesson, and move on.

Let This Be a Lesson: Never drink something sent by a stranger, and NEVER EVER consume the Crave Energy Drink.

6 comments:

Mary Jo said...

Hi Matt,
Well, as they say, opinions are like belly buttons...everbody has one. We LOVE Crave and drink it every day. I think it smells like cotton candy and tastes like apples or melon. Best of all, the stuff works and costs less than anything else out there! I say "Bravo Crave".
MoJoe

Jay Goodman Tamboli said...

Where do you get your Bawls? I've ordered it from Thinkgeek before, but there must be somewhere around here that just sells it.

Anonymous said...

Hi Matt,
I can't live without my Crave Energy Drink!Prior to trying the Crave Energy Drink I was a huge skeptic on energy drinks. One day while driving at 5AM I found myself falling asleep behind the wheel. I tore open my Crave packet and hurried to pour it into my 8OZ bottle of water. within 10 minutes I was wide awake like I had sprung out of bed bright eyed and bushy tailed! I drink 2 a day! My husband tried it for the first time on our FREE cruise paid for by the AWESOME company you mention. He couldn't believe the energy he got and now I can't keep enough of it in my house. I think it smells like cotton candy and tastes even better! The flatulence you experienced must have been from that brawls you ingested immediately following your consumption of crave. OR it could have been the poisonous taco bell you had for dinner! And didn't hinder me from trying it! It is unfortunate that you were unhappy with your FREE sample. I don't like coffee you may love it. That is why we are proud to be Americans and are entitled to our own opinions. So long as they are not spread out of anger or false pretense. It is quite apparent that you are unhappy with the person who sent you the FREE sample, or their customer service But the company its self has nothing to do with your relationship with that person. The company as a whole is quickly becoming the #1 choice for a home based business! With all 5 Pillars in place: Company(solid corporate infrastructure), Timing,consumable Products,lucrative compensation plan, and an effective training system for duplication.
Prior to getting started with Vitamark we were struggling just to pay our bills we worked a ton of hours and it just wasn't getting us ahead. I am doing this so that I don't have to choose between work and my family. I hated leaving my kids at daycare! Since getting started with Vitamark and the incredible on the job training system I made a significant income right away, we are getting a steady weekly paycheck, have qualified for FREE trips,my organization is duplicating, and I am one of the top income earners in my area. It is by far the Greatest company I have ever come across.
I wish you all the best Have a happy and prosperous day!

Tracy

Anonymous said...

My friend, you are obviously not the right person to critic Crave Energy Drink. There is a CONFLICT of INTEREST as you are selling BAWLS, which, by the way has no nutritional merit at all as evidenced on their site:

Ingredients: Carbonated Water, Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Natural Guarana Flavor, Sodium Benzoate (as a preservative), Caffeine, Artificial Flavors and Caramel Color. Warning: These products contains high levels of Caffeine.

It is apparent to me that you were not given the correct advice on how to prepare the Crave. What size bottle of water did you use? Did you take a few sips to ensure space for the water to agitate correctly and DISSOLVE the Crave?

Crave Energy Drink is sweetened with a NATURAL PLANT called Stevia. It is NOT an artificial flavoring or sweetener and will NOT make you fat like "corn syrup"which I believe is a ingredient in your BAWLS.

Your big words show no generosity of spirit and coupled with your interest in your BAWLS, anyone reading your post should think for themselves.

Crave Energy Drink is packaged 2 servings in a package. Most folks are using 1 serving in 20 oz of water however if they have a sweet tooth they can use more. NO artificial sweeteners and many vitamins are included. By the way, our product ALSO contains your beloved Guarana. BAWLS contains "guarana FLAVORING". Crave Energy drink actually contains 120 mg of Guarana itself.

Be more generous of spirit and less transparent and willing to attack others my friend and the Universe will reward you.

Matt said...

Contrary to popular belief, I am not selling anything -- unlike the trolls who keep commenting. I assure you, Before I Sleep readers, Crave is DISGUSTING and I would not give it to my worst enemy. If Osama bin Laden was sitting right in front of me, and I could hand him an innately poisonous bottle of Crave to drink, which would rid the world of him for the rest of time, I WOULD NOT DO IT BECAUSE IT IS SO INHUMANE.

Rest assured, Gentle Reader, the people who are posting positive comments about Crave are almost certainly SELLING it. You see, Crave uses a funky franchise model that encourages people to sell the Powdered Death for themselves. The posters on my forum likely have a vested financial interested in CRAVE. (That's why the latest poster simply assumed I was selling Bawls.)

I am not selling Bawls, but I wholeheartedly endorse it. Bawls is the best, Crave is the worst. End of story.

rizzlerules said...

Thanks for making us crack up at 1:30 in the morning! We will never try crave and all u people who like it are CARAZY! We posted it on twitter because its soooo FUNNY!
My favorite part was quote "OH THE HORROR" xD hahahaha
-Molly&Rachel(: