I have been trolling the law job boards a lot in recent weeks, looking for an legal job that would let me explore my interests (telecom, technology, etc.) while hopefully working in a cool city (i.e. DC). Yet what I find are not listings for fun jobs, but mostly listings for incredibly boring jobs, like:
* Associate in the Private Wealth Services Group of BigLawFirm LLP, for someone with "an LLM degree interested in the Private Wealth Services Group in our Tax Department in our Richmond Office";
* Employee Benefits Associate to work in the Employee Benefits, Income Tax, and Estates Group of BigLawFirm LLP. Applicants must have "experience in employee benefits and executive compensation." Employer has a "strong preference for LL.M. in Tax with emphasis in Employee Benefits."
* Mergers and Acquisitions Associate to work in the Corporate Law department of BigLawFirm LLP. Applicants must "possess an interest in acquisitions, structural policy and extensive knowledge of the subcontractor bidding processes."
Okay, I made that last one up. But it approximates the types of jobs that are out there. We law students wonder why we can't get jobs doing fun or interesting things? It's because fun and interesting jobs are so few and far between that, for all intents and purposes, they don't exist. All the jobs out there seemingly require a deep love and commitment to tax systems or estate planning or corporate bullshit and SEC filings.
And I wonder, do the lawyers taking those jobs actually enjoy what they do? Do all the people I know who are pursuing tax LL.M's really love thinking about taxes, and navigating complex tax gradations and advising their clients about where to hide their money? Or do the people pursuing tax LL.M's simply do it because those jobs are plentiful, and they don't care about actually enjoying what they do?
When we were little kids, the whole world seemed open to us. "What do you want to be when you grow up, Johnny?" "An astronaut!" "A fireman!" "A movie maker!" I can guarantee you that Johnny never replied, "An associate in the private wealth services group of a big law firm, with a masters degree in taxation and a specialty in mergers and acquisitions!!!"
And now, here's El Señor Gweepay on:
The Top Ten Jobs We Could Do Instead of Being Lawyers
10. Box maker. While most of us take for granted the fact that boxes are a dime a dozen, do you ever wonder just how a box becomes a box? As a box maker, you would be integral to the storage and shipping needs of Americans everywhere. And trust me, box makers get all the chicks!
9. Songwriter for Disney movies. Come on, who WOULDN'T want to write the next "Friend Like Me?"
8. Obituary writer. Pen obits for your local paper. Make Old Man Penniford sound far cooler than he actually was. Get back at Sal Salverstein for all those times he stole your paper. Because you just know it was him.
7. Researcher for the Rush Limbaugh Show. Because even talent on loan from GOD needs someone to find the latest clip of Hillary doing something bitchy, as she is wont to do.
6. Family Guy aside writer. Without clever and random asides, Family Guy would just be the Simpsons, but funny. Help Family Guy to fill in those cues for asides with all new bizarre and inane tangents.
5. Angelina Jolie's bra. Yeah.
4. Professional Contrarian. Make a career out of being irritatingly contrary regarding the conventional wisdom. Annoy the hell out of all your friends, and the general public. Because contrarians get nearly as many chicks as box makers.
3. Ant killer. Enjoy setting ants on fire? Do it for a living! Consultation: $135.95.
2. Master of the House. Start your own bed 'n breakfast. Sing the tune from Les Mis at least once per evening to all of your guests. Tell saucy tales, make little tunes, etc.
And the Number One job we could do in lieu of being lawyers...
Teddy Roosevelt Impersonator. Play the role of TR at the Teddy Roosevelt Museum and Bait Shop in beautiful Paw Paw, Michigan! Wear a fake moustache! Say things like, "bully!", and, er, "that was bully!" Because nothing says chick magnet like TR.