Turning Down the Virgin Islands

Tell your standard work-a-day drone that you just got offered a yearlong job in the Virgin Islands, and the response is immediate.

"Awesome! A year in paradise! Congratulations!"

Tell him that you are not sure whether or not to take it, and he will look at you with a mixture of shock and confusion.

"Are you kidding me? You even have to think about this? It's the Virgin Islands, man! Have you ever seen the place? It's heaven! What do you have to think about? You don't have a full time gig lined up here... this would be a full-time job, partying on the beach every night... Why are you even hesitating? TAKE IT!"

Tell him that you've decided to turn it down, and his look of shock and confusion becomes tinged with resentment.

"I can't believe you're going to turn it down. If someone offered me a job in the Virgin Islands, I'd take it in a heartbeat! The average temperature in the winter there is 73 degrees. In the summer the average is 84! Beaches and deep blue water and glorious sunshine! How DARE you turn that down? What is wrong with you? Are you mad???!"

The answer, of course, is no. I am not mad. Perhaps you would be mad if you turned down this offer. The Virgin Islands, to many, are paradise. But for me, the idea of going to the Virgin Islands for an entire year - possibly two - is simply not paradise. I have been to the islands twice. Each time, for no more than a week. It was great! I had people waiting on me hand and foot, I had fresh water delivered to my doorstep daily, and don't forget the rum that was placed in my hotel room every day. Yes, living in a luxury resort on the fabulous island of St. Thomas was an amazing experience.

That is not what I would be doing.

Contrary to popular belief, the Virgin Islands are not as heavenly as they first appear. The crime rate is unbelievable. People are poorly educated. Customer service is an absolute joke. It's basically a third-world country with a nice view: the only thing that's really nice about the Virgin Islands are the beaches. And I sunburn! Seriously, I am not the kind of person who takes pleasure in spending every night, beach with a beer in my hand I am sure many of you are. There is nothing wrong with that. It is not for me.

Oh, sure, the work would be interesting. With such a high crime rate, the criminal cases alone would be worth the experience. Further, due to the general lackadaisical nature of the workers in the Virgin Islands, there is a tremendous backlog of cases - almost 300 civil cases have not yet been decided. People have been waiting for years. The current judge told me that he works every day from approximately 8a.m. to 7p.m. He is in desperate need of a clerk - someone to give all of the work to. I am sure he would love to have me. And I would learn a lot too.

But a working environment in which I would be doing something interesting and helpful to my future career is not the only consideration when taking a new job. The fact is, I love Washington DC. I love it because of the vibrant culture. I love it because of all the singing opportunities. I love it because of all the educated young people here. I love it because of all the Starbucks.

Yes, I said it. I have learned from experience that my general level of contentment with a place will be directly proportional to the number of Starbucks. Starbucks and big bookstores with coffee shops. No, I am not insane. I just recognize that these kinds of establishments are emblematic of the level of civilization that a society has developed. No Starbucks means no higher civilization, to which I am so accustomed. St. Thomas has no Starbucks. The Virgin Islands have no Starbucks. I would not be happy.

I have built the last several months around the idea of returning to Washington DC to pursue a career in telecommunications law. A trip to the Virgin Islands would be, at best, an interesting experience that would not help with my chosen career path, or at worst, an unnecessary detour that leaves me sunburned and bug-bitten. I don't need to be in the islands trying to stem the tide of crime. I need to be here in D.C., where my life is. I need to be making professional contacts. I need to be attending communications bar events. I need to be publicizing my indecency article. I can do none of that from the Virgin Islands.

And, more than that, there is the fact that my primary form of leisure here is singing with various choirs. From September through May, the Choral Arts Society of Washington is my main form of release. I get paid to sing tenor at a church in Maryland. I am in the process of auditioning for the holy day services at various synagogues around the area. And my voice coach recently told me that she thinks I'm ready to audition for the Washington National Opera. How could I leave now? What would I do in the Virgin Islands? Join a steel drum band?

Relaxing on the beach with an alcoholic beverage in my hand is a fantastic way to spend a week or two. It may be a fantastic way for many - if not most - readers of this blog to spend not just a week, but a year. Or two. Or the rest of their lives. But it's not for me. I am a Washingtonian, through and through. I love it here, and I would not give it up. Even for a year in the Virgin Islands.

Video Explosion!

And so I return from another eventful week in Michigan, where I spent the days hanging out with family and friends, and teaching everyone how to use a Segway (except my dad, who was positive he would break his neck on the thing). Needless to say, Much Video Was Taken. But it's not edited together yet.

SO, while I am editing it, I would like to amuse you all by showing you BEFOREISLEEP.NET: THE LOST VIDEOS! Yes, my dear viewer, over the years, some highly entertaining videos have been left off the site, due mostly to my own laziness, or more likely my lack of a high-speed Internet connection at the time. Luckily, my laziness quotient is currently somewhat low, and my Internet connection is smoking. That adds up to: lots of videos! And remember: If you haven't seen it, it's New to You.

Please enjoy.

Look, ma! I’m a real lawyer!

Years of intense studying and grueling tests paid off today, as I represented my first client in court! Well, almost. Let me rephrase: Years of intense studying and grueling tests paid off today, as I went down to the local clerk’s office with one task in mind: try to get my mom out of a traffic ticket! Here’s how it all went down.

Apparently, back in June, my mom got a traffic ticket for turning in the wrong direction at the wrong time. My first knowledge of this occurred yesterday morning, when my dad told me I would be representing my mom. My reaction? SHOCK AND PANIC. I know I graduated from a Big Ticket law school, and I know I passed the bar, and I know I took a little oath and was sworn in, but I’m not a real lawyer… I mean, I know there’s a bar card in my pocket with an official P-number and everything, but, come on, me? Defending a traffic ticket? They never taught us how to do that at Georgetown! I learned about due process and equal protection and theories of punishment and the legal frontier that is Cyberspace! I never learned how to drive down to the courthouse and file an appearance – I don’t even know what an “appearance” is, let alone how to file one, or what filing one actually signifies! I don’t know how to argue a traffic ticket!

But my dad told me I had to file an appearance – and not knowing anything about a subject has never stopped me before. I was worried that the clerks would be surly and gruff like the ones at the D.C. court, but these two clerks were actually quite pleasant. They looked to be in their 50s and 60s, and had a very motherly air about them. So I did what I always do when I don’t know how to do something: I played the Naiveté Card.

“Can I help you?” a clerk asked when she saw me wandering around aimlessly.
“Uh, yes. I am here to” – I paused to recall the exact words my father told me – “file an appearance for my client.” I smiled, pleased with myself for remembering all those words.
“Oh, okay.”
At this point, I realized that I had no idea what came next. I decided it was time to come clean.
“Listen,” I said, “I’m not really sure what to do. This is my first case ever since I passed the bar.”
The two women smiled. The bailiff, hanging around near the filing cabinets, applauded. “Congratulations!” they all said.
“Yes, yes, thank you,” I said. I decided to come even more clean. “And, actually, the client… is my mother.”
They laughed, and the bailiff said, “I hope you got paid up front!”
“Actually, she’s taking me to Panera.” I am in love with Panera iced chai teas. It’s a good deal.
So the clerks, seeing that I was new, led me through the whole process. They gave me the right forms and walked me through everything and that was that. I didn’t even need to show them my license or bar card. And there’s more:
“Are you interested in doing some criminal defense work?”
I nodded. “Sure.”
“Would you like to be added to the court-appointed attorneys list?”
“Absolutely!”
She handed me a notepad. “Just write a love letter to the judge, and I’ll make sure he puts you on the list.”
Wow! Visions of me arguing forcefully before a jury danced in my head. For the first time, it sunk in that maybe I really am a real lawyer – or at least, I could be if I wanted to. (I decided to hold off on the “love letter” because I’m not sure when I’ll be in Michigan again, and I would hate to get a letter telling me to appear in court two weeks from now on Tuesday, when two weeks from now on Tuesday I’ll be rehearsing with the Choral Arts Society of Washington at the church by my apartment in DC!)
I finished filling out the form letting me “file” the “appearance,” thanked them for their help, and walked out the door to my mommy’s waiting car. I still didn’t know what an appearance was, but I had just filed one! I am a real attorney! Time to buy a new suit.

Epilogue: According to my dad, “filing an appearance” means just what it sounds like. If someone wants to hire a lawyer to contest a traffic ticket, the lawyer goes down to the court and signs a form stating that he is representing his client in the matter. As I understand it, this simple act of showing up at the clerk’s office is the appearance, and filling out the form is “filing” part. Thus, “filing an appearance.” Now, the clerk gives me whatever paperwork there is on the ticket, and a pre-hearing date will be scheduled for sometime next month where I can meet with a city attorney to discuss this little matter of turning left during rush hour. Come on, 3 points? Really? For my mom, who is so nice and sweet and has a perfectly clean driving record? Surely we can work out a deal. Maybe instead of “improper turn” for 3 points, we can knock it down to “impeding traffic” for 1 point. Eh? Eh? Sound good? Whaddya say?

(Oh, also according to my dad, if you tell the clerks you are representing a family member, they always say they hope you got paid up front!)

This lawyering stuff ain’t so hard once you get the hang of it. But I still don’t see why they didn’t teach me any of this in school. Sure, studying constitutional history is fun and all, but it doesn't actually lead to many practical skills.....

Matt's 300-Mile Segway Report

(Posted on SegwayChat.com and on my personal web site, www.BeforeISleep.net)

As of today, August 1, I will have hit the 300-mile marker on my Segway. This is after a total of just under two months (I got it on June 5th) -- and keep in mind that I lost my InfoKey for a week. (Thank goodness for the free spare, which arrived just before I went mad from Segway-withdrawal.) I want to take this opportunity to share my thoughts, experiences, and suggestions. Hopefully my write-up will convince others to take the plunge and buy a Segway. Believe me, you will be very happy with your decision!

I had dismissed the Segway as a nutty fad when I first heard about it several years ago. But when I was sitting in a Dupont Starbucks in May, I saw a DC police officer gliding past the window, and I realized the Segway might be the answer to my transportation woes. You see, I live in Washington, DC, and I had been spending a LOT of time waiting for the bus, sitting on the bus, walking from the bus -- it seemed like public transportation was sucking up hours of my day! I knew there had to be a better way.

So when the cop zoomed by, I thought, "Oh yeah, Segways! I wonder what ever happened to those?" After some cursory research, I learned that, while still not "popular," Segways had come far in recent years, and now had a nifty new "LeanSteer" feature that let me control my turns simply by leaning. I remembered missing that feature when I had looked into Segways originally, and I was glad to see it had finally arrived. After some more Googling, I learned of the existence of the DC Segway Users Group, and e-mailed for permission to join the Yahoo group. Will Hopper, a Segway dealer out of Annapolis, wrote back and told me about a group glide that was taking place the next day in DC. It just so happened he had an extra Segway, and wanted to know if I would like to join them? Hell yeah!

The group glide was a milestone. Six or seven of us zoomed through DC and up Embassy Row on Massachusetts Avenue. It was SO much fun, and I made a slick 9-minute video of my adventure and sent it around to friends and family. For the next several days, I could think of little else but getting my very own Segway. I even had dreams about it! Finally, after learning that I could get a very good financing deal from my bank, I decided to take the plunge.

This is what I have learned:

Efficiency and Cost

Before I got the Segway, I had three options for getting to work: drive, walk, or take the bus. Driving eats up gas, but more importantly, it eats up quite a bit of parking meter change -- something like $8 a day -- so that's out. Walking the 2.7 miles takes almost an hour each way, and humid DC summers would leave me drenched by the time I got to work, so that's out. The only other option was the bus. The bus costs $1.25 each way. It takes, on average, about 15 minutes to wait for the bus, another 20 to get to the nearest stop, and another 7 to walk the 1/3 mile to work: that's almost 45 minutes. So, each weekday, I was spending $2.50 and wasting an hour and a half in commute time. For the 25 work days of August, I'd be paying $62.50 in fares and spending 37.5 hours walking to or from the bus, waiting for the bus, and riding the bus.

Enter the Segway. In the time it used to take simply to wait for the bus, I make the full journey to work. Door-to-door, it takes around 17 minutes. That's less than 35 minutes a day. It doesn't cost me a thing, because I plug it in downstairs, using the apartment building's electricity. (Even if I had to pay for it myself, it only costs about 10 cents to charge it fully -- and I only use about 1/4 of the battery on my daily commute -- so let's say maybe 3 cents a night, or less than a dollar a month.) For the 25 work days of August, I will be paying essentially nothing, and spending a measly 14 hours commuting. This gives me almost an extra hour a day -- or 23.5 hours a month. This is a LOT of extra time. I use it to spend more time with friends, read more, go to the gym more. What would you do with an extra hour every day?

I've also found that, because I use the Segway more for little trips around the neighborhood that I would usually use my car for, I am saving at least $50 per month on gas, and more likely $100. And I keep finding more uses for it: A couple weeks ago, I was determined to prove wrong the common misconception that you can't carry home a week's worth of groceries on the handlebars. Well guess what -- I must have hung 60 pounds worth of groceries from the bars! I just had to make sure to lean back enough to compensate for the added weight up front. Admittedly, this is probably not recommended -- and I plan to get the cargo plate add-on soon -- but it was amusing.

In terms of cost, five grand is a lot of money to shell out. But with the good rate I got on my personal loan from the bank, I'm only paying $112 a month for the privilege of riding a Segway. With conservative estimates of $62.50 saved per month on bus fare and $50 saved per month on gas, the Segway is quite literally paying for itself.

Bystander Reaction

I will admit that when I am riding my Segway, All Eyes Are On Me. When I first got it, I was fairly uncomfortable with all the attention, but I think that's because I was nervous about what others would think. I was concerned that I would get a lot of negative comments, but in reality, the reaction has been almost entirely positive. At best, people are really excited about it and want to ask me questions about it. Most just look at the Segway with a look of bemused curiosity. The drunk ones almost always point, laugh, hoot and holler, but that is to be expected from drunkards. Very rarely, someone will glare at me for daring to share the sidewalk with them. The nerve!

Now, all eyes are Still on me, but I no longer pay much attention to it. I ride with headphones in, generally listening to NPR, and by the time people notice they have just been passed by a guy on a Segway, I am long gone. My newfound nonchalance about being looked at all the time is probably akin to what new celebrities go through. It sometimes can be annoying, losing your anonymity, but you learn to live with it.

People love to ask questions, and a good rule of thumb is that the later you are for an appointment, the more often you will be stopped by curious bystanders. The three most common questions, by far, are:

1. How fast?
2. How far?
3. How much?

Usually in that order.

My answers to questions 1 and 2 are usually met by an appreciative nod; Answer 3 often doesn't sit well. But the good part about getting the same questions all the time is that I can try out different responses to see which elicit the best reaction! (My new answer to question 3 is, "It's free!" I then explain that the savings balance out the cost.) I have kept a log of the most interesting reactions on my Web site, where I have a feature entitled, "Segway Reaction of the Day!" (SRD.) It is a fairly popular feature. Highly recommended. I also map out all the SRDs on a Google Map.

I was fully prepared for people to taunt me as I rode past. I expected them to shout out, "Dork!" or "Fa**ot!" or some other such nonsense. That hasn't happened. People still shout, but in a totally positive way. It usually happens on Friday or Saturday night in some trendy area like Dupont or Georgetown. Drunken people will see me and excitedly blurt out, "Segway!", for they have never seen one in person before. To which I sometimes respond, as I zoom past, "Seeeeeggggwaaaaaay!!!" We are like Daniel Laruso and Mr. Miyagi, crying "Banzai!!!" to each other. It is a battle cry, a call between warriors. In that moment, glider and bystander are one.

"Seeeeggggwaaaay!!!!!"

Of the thousands of people have seen me on my Segway in the last 300 miles, only a few have been openly hostile. In response to the few people who are jerks, I have learned to develop several good comebacks. One person told me that I was really annoying, zooming around on my Segway. I responded, saucily, "I step off the Segway and I won't be annoying anymore. You don't have that solution."

And every so often, someone will stop you and practically beg to use it. A few days after I got it, a woman's jaw dropped as she saw me coming. She stopped me, and said, "It has always been a personal dream of mine to ride a Segway." How could I say no to that?

Ride Safety

Before I bought my i2, I had wondered if I would have to be more careful gliding down the sidewalk than I would be riding a bike down the sidewalk. After 300 miles, I can say that the answer is "yes" -- but just because it is very easy to push the Segway to its limits, traveling 12.5 mph with the power of thought, and "forget" to pay attention to all the divots and bumps in the sidewalk. Pay attention, keep your knees slightly bent, and lean into curves and turns, and the Segway is harmless. Well... mostly harmless.

Over the past 300 miles, I have fallen off the i2 just a few times. All of those falls occurred during the first 100 miles, when I was still getting used to the ride. However, the phrase "fallen off" is misleading. On a bike, when you crash and/or get tripped up and/or fall, you FALL. You are sitting four feet off the ground and traveling somewhere between 10-30 mph. When your tire hits really rough pavement and you lose your balance, you go flying, and it is almost impossible to land on your feet. In contrast, on the Segway, I have hit rough patches going a bit faster than I should be. The residential sidewalks in Georgetown are paved with bricks, and in several instances, roots from nearby trees have grown under the bricks, causing a pronounced washboard effect at a diagonal angle to the path of the sidewalk. A couple times, the Segway has come to a controlled standstill when I have gone too fast over those ridges, and I learn my lesson, and continue slowly on my way. A couple times, the Segway has not shut down, but rather handled the bumps just fine. I, on the other hand, did not have my knees bent far enough and was not able to maintain my balance on the now earthquaking Segway platform.

What happened? I jumped off. Once, the Segway kept going a few feet before falling over. Once, I was able to keep my grip on the handlebars, running behind the Segway as I tried to slow it down. Key point: I have (so far) always been able to land on my feet, run forward a bit (to keep my feet under the center of gravity of my free-flying torso!), and stay upright. Had I been riding a bike, I would have almost certainly fallen off a couple times over the course of 300 miles through Washington, DC, and odds are I would not have laughed it off so easily.

The Big Fall came around mile 85. I had ridden for about 10 hours, so I felt pretty comfortable on it -- perhaps too comfortable. I was going too fast over unfamiliar terrain, and before I knew it, I was heading toward a faceplant. It seriously happens FAST, like within a quarter second. As far as I can tell, I think I went up on one wheel, the platform tried to stabilize itself but was bouncing around a LOT, I couldn't keep on it and had to jump off... now my torso was going at 12 mph and my legs were on the ground, probably running at around 8 mph. I'm no expert in physics, but even I could predict what was going to happen next. My left arm shot out to break my fall, and the next thing I knew, I felt my arm scraping against the pavement as my body slid several feet forward. I had skinned my palm, elbow and knee. Luckily, nothing was broken or sprained, but MAN did it hurt. I was wearing my helmet, but my head never touched the ground. Had I been wearing mountain biking gloves, my palms would have been protected and I would have been spared a fair bit of pain. Lesson learned.

When you fall, everything goes everywhere. I was sprawled out face down on the ground. My Blackberry had shot off my hip about 30 feet. My InfoKey had also fallen out of my pocket, and was 20 feet behind me. My trusty Steed, which I thought would be just to my right, had actually continued about 15 feet forward and to my left, and was now face down in the right lane of traffic. Luckily, he's fine -- I've learned the Segways are a lot more sturdy than people!

For a while, I had no idea why I went down. After much deliberation, I have determined that the loss of balance was due to my placing too much weight on one foot while turning in the same direction. Apparently I had gotten into the bad habit of "roller skating" on my Segway -- placing all my weight on one foot, and then shifting to the other, and making wide arcs along the sidewalk as I went. Although that kind of gliding might be fun and look neat, it is neither necessary nor wise. I have since corrected my gliding style -- feet firmly planted, center of gravity spread out evenly across both feet -- and I have not fallen off since.

Exercise

Anyone who says riding a Segway is the easiest, laziest, most effortless mode of transportation... has obviously never ridden a Segway. For several months, I had walked one block to the bus stop, sat on my ass for twenty minutes reading the Wall Street Journal and waiting for the bus to arrive, lazily took it three miles, and then walked three blocks to my building. I was never sore, never tired, never excited -- I just existed. At the end of the day, I did the same thing in reverse. At home, when I wanted to go to the store, I wouldn't walk; I would get in my car and sit on my ass for a mile. Repeat the process to come home.

After the first few days (about 30 miles), I FELT it! My quads and glutes were sore, my shoulders were sore, my obliques were sore... I guess that's what comes from trying to keep one's balance at 12 miles an hour on a quaking Segway platform. (Segway virgins, don't misunderstand: The Segway is still "balancing" me; but when I push it hard, I have to work to keep my knees bent to keep my feet firmly planted on the platform and avoid being thrown around.) Now that I've hit the 300 mile mark, my muscles have adjusted, and I no longer have any soreness... but I am definitely using muscles I didn't use waiting for the bus.

I'm not saying I'm going to lose much weight gliding to and from work, and doing errands and seeing friends; but I can say for sure that I won't GAIN any weight by gliding instead of driving or riding the bus. Yeah, of course jogging or biking would be preferable from an exercise standpoint, but I didn't buy the Segway to get exercise, I bought it for transportation. I didn't buy it to replace walking; I bought it to replace driving and busing. That my muscles became sore (in a good way), and I felt it at the end of the week, was just an unexpected bonus.

Criticisms

I must admit, there's not a lot to be critical of. Overall, it's a wonderful little machine which has greatly enhanced my life. That said, I do have a few complaints. In reverse order:

3. The piece of plastic on the center console of my i2 sometimes pops off, as though it's not seated properly. It's annoying, but not a big deal.
2. Someone, please invent a spiffy kickstand for the thing. It's unseemly to have to lean my Segway up against a tree, or worse, set it face down on the ground when I just need to leave it for a minute.
1. My number one complaint is that the speed-limiter in Riderless Balance Mode is set WAY TOO LOW. Let me explain: Sometimes I like to walk my Segway next to me. Sometimes it's not appropriate to ride on it. For instance, when walking through the city with a Sweetie and a Segway, I would much prefer to walk alongside the other person while gently guiding the Segway next to us. But I can't do this, because if you try to push the Segway too fast in Riderless Balance Mode when you're not on it, it starts warning you with lots of shakes, and then shuts down! And when I say "too fast," I mean 2.5 mph. Seriously, I have to slow my walk down to a snail's pace in order to keep the Segway from going into conniptions.

But overall, the good far outweighs the bad. To anyone living in a densely packed city like Washington, D.C., I heartily recommended purchasing a Segway. Not only is it convenient and relatively inexpensive, it's a BLAST to ride! Again, if you haven't seen it, take a look at the video I made of my first Segway ride, "Gliding."

I hope you'll keep up with my Segway adventures at http://www.beforeisleep.net/labels/segway.html. Glide on!

Sick Day

I wasn't going to make this public, but... due to critical acclaim by the few I forwarded the link to, I have changed my mind. May I present: "Sick Day." (Music provided courtesy of XM 82.)

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