Thursday, July 13, 2006
American tourist felled by British nano soldiers
LONDON -- In a stunning blow to transatlantic relations, invisible British nano soldiers on Tuesday launched an airborne attack against Matt, a visiting American student.
Matt, 26 years old and a native of Washington, DC, is in town for a month to study law and see the sights. At least, that was his plan. In recent days, he has found himself barely able to stay conscious, let alone study or see anything.
"It's not fair!" Matt said in a recent interview conducted over Skype. "All my flat mates are out dilly dallying at the pub, and where does that leave me? Alone in my room with a box of tissues and an empty memory card on my camera."
When a reporter reminded Matt that he traditionally abhors pubgoing, Matt ended the Skype communique.
It is not known why the invisible British nano soldiers chose to target the student. Experts say it likely has to do with his girlish American immune system, whose defenses have been down due to the transatlantic travel and other recent emotional blows.
"It's a shame anytime something like this happens," remarked Ben Kepple, a foreign affairs expert based in Manchester, New Hampshire. "Sorry to see him go. Now, let's talk about something interesting, ooh, like that headbutt! Are you the son of a terrorist whore too? OWW! Wait just a minute!"
At recent count, Matt has spent approximately 20 of the last 24 hours sleeping. This is markedly up from his normal 18 hours sleeping. According to analysts, if this behavior continues, Matt will only have enough waking hours remaining on his trip to see one more sight. Most observers believe he will choose the Madame Tussauds wax museum.