Monday, July 23, 2007

Top Five Zombie Presidents

Neil the Intern recently asked me who would be my top 5 zombie presidents. He elaborated: "Who, if they returned from the dead, would make the best president?"

What an interesting prompt! I quickly took up the challenge, and came up with the list below. Note: My Zombie president list may or may not be the same as my “best presidents” list.
  1. Ronald Reagan. I’m not sure if his aggressive Cold War style strategies would work in today’s world (it’s a lot harder to intimidate Gorbachev – who was, ultimately, rational – than to intimidate thousands (millions?) of people driven by religious fervor), but it sure would be fun to see Reagan try. “Mister bin Laden, tear down this cave!”
  2. John F. Kennedy. Once the nation gets over the disgusting hole in the side of his head, I think Zombie JFK would still be able to inspire us all with his rhetorical abilities. His quotes are my favorite of any modern president. Particularly poignant: "Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty." Also, he’s a supporter of Israel. (“Israel was not created in order to disappear - Israel will endure and flourish. It is the child of hope and the home of the brave. It can neither be broken by adversity nor demoralized by success. It carries the shield of democracy and it honors the sword of freedom.”)
  3. Abraham Lincoln. Granted, Lincoln was one of the ugliest presidents, and he would not do well in a televised world. This would go doubly so today: I highly doubt Zombie Lincoln would be more photogenic. That said, I think he would appreciate the enormity of sending our boys to die in Iraq, and be able to convey that gravitas to the world while still likely convincing a majority of Americans to go along with it. (As opposed to just pissing everybody off with a smirk and a few trite lines about freedom.) Also, we could install 21st century defensive technologies in his Top Hat, protecting him from any assassin’s bullet. “I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just. TESLA COIL ACTIVATE!”
  4. Thomas Jefferson. I love this man, and I think it would be reassuring for the country to know that a Founding Zombie is watching over us. I’d also be curious to see if he drops his whole Agrarian vision today, in the age of commercialized factory farming. Finally, I think it is about time our country has another redheaded president.
  5. Teddy Roosevelt. For no other reason than how cool it would be to see a fat Zombie Roughrider running around shouting, “Bully!”


Amanda said...

I think you might have taken the wrong track here. As a known expert on zombies (I wrote and starred in the classic musical "Do the Right Thing: a zombie stem cell musical about ethics"), I feel you must consider some other contenders.

Warren G. Harding - Considered the worst president ever by many, Harding would make an excellent zombie. His lack of skills using the English language (normalcy? Normalcy?!1!!) would give him a leg up in his transition.

Richard Nixon - Keeping America in Vietnam that long was pretty brainless. I think he actually might have been a zombie, so nevermind.

George Washington -
He ate opponents brains. I need not say more.

Amanda said...

Oh, but you are right on the mark with Lincoln.

Andrew said...

I'd even move Teddy up to 1st. The image of a zombie Teddy Roosevelt shouting "Bully!" is surpassed only by the image of a zombie Teddy Roosevelt speaking softly and carrying a big stick.

Also, Calvin Coolidge would make a pretty decent zombie, mostly because you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a live Silent Cal and a dead Silent Cal.

Kal said...

Are we requiring that the zombie be an ex-president? It could just be a pretty awesome zombie who we elect as president.

Personally, my vote goes to Zombie Ben Franklin.